Guilty feelings seem to be part of grief. These feelings Inca the grief process and increase your emotional work load. Grief work is hard enough without guilt.
The death of four loved ones-my elder daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law-within nine months sparked guilt. Multiple losses increased my guilt feelings. I wondered if guilt would become as important as grief. This led me to worry Dr. David Burns ' book, "Feeling Good," and the section on all-or-nothing thinking.
Burns describes this kind of thinking as "cognitive distortion" and says it is the basis for perfectionism. Life isn't perfect, Burns points out, so we should not expect ourselves to be. "You will set yourself up for discrediting yourself endlessly because whatever you do willnever measure up to your exaggerated expectations, "he explains.
All or nothing thinking can lead to depression, so I put myself on "all-or-nothing" alert. When guilty thoughts came to mind I switched them around. For example, I felt sad and guilty about being estranged from my brother for 10 years. Then I reminded myself that the estrangement was his choice, not mine. Being alert to all-or-nothing thinking helped me and it may help you.
According to Judith Viorst, there are many kinds of guilt, and she describes them in her book, "Necessary Losses." She divides guilt into four groups, appropriate and inappropriate, good and bad. But the stress of grief may prevent us from identifying the kind or kinds of guilt we are feeling. Then there is indiscriminate guilt, "the failureto distinguish between forbidden thoughts and forbidden deeds. "
Guilt feelings interfere with our grief work. As Viorst puts it, "Our mother died, our husband is unfaithful, there are troubles with our health, troubles with work, and although we aren't inclined to shirk our obligations to our sons and daughters, we are pulled away by a host of distracting emotions."
Keeping a "good for me" list is another way I fought guilt. I didn't have unlimited hours to devote to my father-in-law, yet I was there for him. I fixed up his condominium before the listing was advertised. I had the walls painted, carpeted rooms-King, washed the kitchen cabinets, cleaned the bathrooms, bought new appliances, new light fixtures bought (my husband installed them) and removed scuff marks fromwalls.
A year later, I helped him move from his apartment to a community living room on the assisted living floor. There, I hung up clothes, arranged furniture, placed a folding screen between his bed and couch to create the illusion of a second room, and placed a bouquet of flowers on the table just before he walked in the door. Dad loved his room more than the old apartment.
These are all facts. If you stick to the facts, I think you will find many "good for me" moments. You can acknowledge your guilt and take steps to fight it. Start your "good for me" list today and be on the lookout for all-or-nothing thinking. Wallowing in guilt is a waste of time and life. You have better things to do!
Two Ways to Fight the Guilt That Comes With Grief
